Venting

Guys: if you flirt with a girl, get her number, and don't call her... that's rude. Why go through the whole charade in the first place?

If someone calls or texts you and you don't call her text back... That's rude too. If you do that on a regular basis... It's infuriating and you need to stop being a jerk, whether or not it's on purpose

 If you say something mean to a girl, she's not going to want to date you. ever. So don't be mean

 If you act interested in a girl when you take her on a date and then don't talk to her for a week or the next few weeks, she's not going to be at all impressed with you. In fact, it will be something of the opposite. So don't think you can just text her when you get around to it, and expect her to go out with her again.



I think I feel the need to just get that all off my chest because, among other things, finding people to date these days is difficult. Salt Lake City's social scene is not treating me particularly well of late, and what's a girl to do? It's either be single or have a lot of awkward experiences. Not really happy with either of those options. Guess I'll stick with the former though.

Sometimes I find it so hard not to compare myself with others. As much as I appreciate the connections that social networks provide, they are at times a catalyst for my tendency to compare and envy. And when I do pride and envy, and then insecurities are always the result. “Why does she get to be so beautiful and talented? Why does she get to be so happily married? Why did it work out so easily for her? Why did he pick her instead of me? What makes her better? Will I ever be beautiful enough for someone? Will I ever have the things I dream of? Why don't I have the perfect life: beauty, wardrobe, intelligence, financial security, a handsome husband? Aren't I enough? Why don't I measure up?”

I hate those feelings. I hate the discouragement that follows. I hate realizing the wasted space inside my soul where I let those kind of feelings develop. I hate that I start to believe some of those lies...and that my self confidence is damaged by letting myself think I am not good enough.

At the same time, I feel like some part of me deserves the right to feel left out, to hurt, to want more, to feel disappointed that my dreams have yet to come true, to acknowledge that life is just plain unfair.

The only antidote I know is gratitude. The conscious choice I have to make is to acknowledge what I do have, what I have been given. When I allow that to happen, when I let the perspective of the good of life as it is, of my daily blessings, peace again finds me. Still, it is a daily battle. At times it IS hard to appreciate the present, to not let discouragement weaken my resolve. At least, I am stronger than I was before. And more than ever I am determined to waste as little time as possible wishing for what I do not have.

Advice from Kristen Oaks

Do not waste one minute worrying and despairing over what you do not have.

If you cannot bear the challenges and difficulties of single life, you will never be able to bear the challenges and difficulties of married life.

I testify from hard-earned experience that the Lord is always preparing us for greater happiness and blessings. We need only to try our best and trust in Him with all of our heart.

Relish every moment; don't wait for life to happen.

Remember you're a celestial person having a telestial experience. Sometimes our emotions (including loneliness) are just reminders of that.

Allow the Lord to be the architect for your life plan.

Advance confidently in the direction of your dreams. Sometimes we need to write a new dream. 

Righteous desires may need to be realigned into a new timeline.

Choose to be grateful- you'll be content.

I find myself reminding myself of these truths over and over again. They have changed my perspective immensely and I find myself so much more at peace as I believe and live them.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

I realize that I've put you through a lot. I ask a lot of you. At times, you've had to endure some really difficult, hurtful pain. At times, I've lead you to experience brief moments of joy. Sometimes I ignore you. Sometimes I make decisions that go contrary to what you tell me. Sometimes I tear you away from those you really care about. Sometimes I lead you to people that you will forever change you for the better.

Lately I've asked you to keep yourself protected and buried away. I thought that would be enough to save you from too much hurt. But last night you reminded me how much you feel and hurt and love even when I don't think you are doing so.

I'm sorry that I ask hard things of you. I'm sorry for all the scars you bear. Yet for all that, you're stronger than I realize.

I'm amazed at the capacity that is tucked away within your small dimensions. You enable me to love a baby boy, to sacrifice much for those I love, and even those I have yet to love. You're the part of me that feels deeply happy when a 3 year old boy tells me he loves me; you're the part of me that still hopes and invests even when wisdom says that is just a dangerous risk.

Someday, we're going to find that person that will allow you to really love, to release all of the potential with you. You'll be cared for and nourished and completely invested in someone else. All of that love you keep tightly bound inside of you is going to burst out through my eyes and my lips and my finger tips, and it will be glorious. Of course, I can't promise you that it won't hurt sometimes. I just believe that you are meant to have joy. You are strong and devoted for a reason.

I'm going to start listening to you more often. I'm going to try to be true to best that is in you. I'm going to fail at times, but just know that I realize you're there, and that you are the best part of me.

We've made it this far. You've made it longer alone than you ever thought you could. You've been through more ups and downs than we ever thought possible. Somehow you have been willing to invest and love, even when you knew that it would likely leave another small hole in your tender core. You been shaped and molded, broken and healed. You've been ignored, abused, cared for, and nourished. You'll make it through whatever else is asked of you. I'm certain you will.

letting go of the hurt

Sometimes good people disappoint you. Sometimes you disappoint yourself.
Sometimes in dating you find yourself hurt and frustrated and let down again and again and again.

As much as a part of me wants to count up every hurt and unfairness, and add it to the list of past heartaches...
it's much better for my soul to just let it go. To just forgive and move on. To realize I've hurt my fair share of hearts, and made a good deal of my own mistakes... and to not hold it against others when they do the same-- even when it's my battered heart that takes another hit, and my prideful self that must be humbled.

As little control as I have over others' actions... the way they treat me, love me, or hurt me...the way I choose to react is my own. And somehow, in all of this, I am going to learn how to act and react and love and let go in ways that are true to myself and God.

Then, at least, I will not be disappointed in myself... and eventually ready for someone whom I will not ever need to let go.

Done with the Dating Game

The last few months have been full of hope and peace.
But in dating, I have found nothing but disappointment.

It just seems so ridiculous to even put any effort into the whole endeavor anymore. Why spend my time, which is limited to begin with, opening myself up to someone... when all I end up with is another name in my phone--another guy who should have called, but never did?
While it feels so good to be held, listened to, or admired, it hardly seems worth it, especially when it ends in nothing. I would rather not have to deal with the unfulfilled hope, or to have to try to make myself believe it doesn't matter anyway.

I am tired of the game of catch and chase. The pursuit, no matter how intriguing, is not a game I enjoy playing anymore. I would give up 150 first dates or first kisses, just to have one that means something much deeper more than superficial attraction and interest.

I'm calling time out, okay? Give me a little break, time to catch my breath and convince myself I still want to play. And when I decide to play again, I'm playing by my rules, not anyone else's. And I'm not going to be easily caught. I'm not. No matter how much a part of me wants to be. Next round, I'm waiting for someone really, really good to catch me. And even then, he'd better show me he's in it for reals. Not for pretend. Because when I play, it's for reals, for keeps, and I sure do want this game to end.

leave me changed.

As a human being, I don't suppose I have any individuality. I'm the people I've met, I'm a mixture of everything I've read and seen. I've stolen a virtue here, and a weakness there. I'm everyone I ever loved. -The Hasty Heart.

In an average day, various people I've loved in the past, but haven't spoken to in years, cross my mind. Usually it's just something that reminds of them briefly...
...someone that looks just enough like him, to remind me of that night...
...passing somewhere I made a beautiful memory with another
...or the lingering guilt that is oddly reminiscent of the first time I broke another's heart...
...and for no reason at all, I'll be reminded of a first kiss, or a last one.

It's realizing the confidence that is a part of me today because of one,
the hope that is somewhere residing in me for great happiness because of another.
It's how I can catch of frisbee because of how I wanted to impress him
or how Pride and Prejudice is slightly more amusing because of him.

The other day my heart hurt briefly to an intensity it hadn't for over a year. It was strange reminder of how much that depressing heart ache can deeply wound. And a more pleasant realization that I've had months and months of relatively depression free existence. Yes, there's been tears, plenty of them. But I'm strong enough to recover quickly and to know to not be held captive by emotions, even deep, painful ones.

My attempt to be more grateful has become more of a semi-monthly remembering to write down what I'm most grateful for. The task proves, overwhelmingly, that I am most affected by the presence of friendship in my life. There have been so many who have come and gone, yet they are all a part of me. The sticky notes she left for me, the nights when my roommates were kind enough to come eat ice cream with me while I pouted, the kind smile of faithful companion, the evening when two sister missionaries sat in the dark on the side of the road and shared the frustrations in their hearts that would bind them together.

They change me, every one of them. They become a part of more than just my memories, but my heart. And then they go. Some stay for longer than others. Some still care a few years later. But inevitably, the currents of the rivers of our lives bring us together and then apart in as our speed varies and our paths diverge. But they leave me changed. And they will always be a part of me.

I hope that somewhere along their paths, something reminds them of me. And that a few, at least, I have changed for the better.

There are few rare friendships that have blessed my life for many years now. The consistency of their willingness to blend their paths with mine with forever be a blessing

And then of course, there's the hope that with enough patience, my heart will one day be bound forever to someone who will change me, immensely, for the good. Even then, though, they will all be a part of me.

Dating... sigh...

You get to be at the point I am in life, and think, maybe I've figured out dating enough by this point to make it through the next go round a little easier... but it turns out you can never have learned enough patience, understanding, or comprehension of the male mind to make it through without several rough bumps in the road. (It's really the falling off the cliff at the end of the trip I hate the most though). Every relationship stretches you in ways you never imagined. Pain means you're growing though, right?

I sure would love to trade the roller coaster dating ride for something more pleasant, like the lazy river, or even better leave the theme park all together and go for a nice walk in the park at dusk. Of course you get those moments too, once in a while, I think. Although since spring is just barely getting around to showing its face, I can't remember the last time I got to go on a nice walk in the park. Put that on the bucket list for the summer... a nice walk, holding hands, in the park, at dusk. Yeah.

Not really about the answers, but what the questions make you realize

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? 


In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? or the day before that?


When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

One person has made all the difference in the way I view these questions. (They are from the site: marcandangel.com, and were introduced to me at institute tonight.)  No matter how much my mind blares warning signals, my heart can't help but notice that life feels so much more exciting/fulfilling/relaxing/anticipated/contented with him as a part of it, nor can it ignore the emptiness that appears in deeper boundaries of my life when we're apart.

Letter to V-day

Dear Valentine's Day,
You have a horrible sense of timing. I realize you have good intentions, but I think you need to figure out a new game plan...Like letting me pick the day you come, day of, when I feel more confident about my odds of getting flowers. Somehow you always seem to come on days that I really don't need extra reminders of recently damaged relationships.

However, considering how heartbreaking you felt last year, I'll take this year's disappointing gloominess over that. In fact this afternoon I plan on soaking in lots of sunshine, and maybe even feeling happy with any romantic motivation, just to spite you. Let's just agree that at some point in time, you'll fix this timing issue. Maybe then we can be friends.

Sincerely,
Devany

closer

Once, a good friend of mine, gave me a great compliment. She'd been there for me during a few tough breakups, and remarked how resilient I'd been through the dating ups and downs she'd observed.  She said that she was impressed that I'd been able to avoid the bitterness or anger that sometimes accompanies having your heart broken. She also mentioned how my approach to dating was to give most guys a fair chance, even if they were not exactly what I thought I was looking for.

 Now this friend of mine is naturally a supportive, optimistic, kind person - for which I'm grateful because I really needed it at the time. And while I'm sure she was emphasizing the good, while ignoring some of the bad, I hope those qualities are. at least in part, true.

It's funny, but beyond the basic requirements of mutual attractiveness (which includes being active and somewhat fit), sincere effort to live righteously, and the ability to be kind and patient with me, while spoiling me once in a while (which I admit, are some big "basics") - the guys I've dated haven't fit some certain mold. Their hair color and height, age, career and money, interests, personality, background, and goals have all been varied and diverse.

 I'd like to hope that I'm open-mindedly picky. And somehow, I've been lucky enough to have picked some quality guys whom have come and gone out of my life, many of whom have remained "friends" - as in the occasional facebook message, and even sincere invitations to come to their receptions.

I'm just hoping that one of these times, when I find myself dating someone whom I least expected, it'll be right. I'm looking forward the joyful moment when I realize, "Oh, this is the reason why it took so many tries to get it right. I should have been looking for someone like him all along. Or, more realistically, I should been more patient when it didn't work out with all the others, because he is the right compliment to me, and no one else was quite the right fit at quite the right time."

And while I'm still pretty clueless about what the "right fit" will feel like or when "right time" will be, I'm optimistic that I'm closer to figuring it out... one more friday night date, one more awkward munch-and-mingle, one more "put myself out there", one more "risk my heart" at a time.