The last few months have been full of hope and peace.
But in dating, I have found nothing but disappointment.
It just seems so ridiculous to even put any effort into the whole endeavor anymore. Why spend my time, which is limited to begin with, opening myself up to someone... when all I end up with is another name in my phone--another guy who should have called, but never did?
While it feels so good to be held, listened to, or admired, it hardly seems worth it, especially when it ends in nothing. I would rather not have to deal with the unfulfilled hope, or to have to try to make myself believe it doesn't matter anyway.
I am tired of the game of catch and chase. The pursuit, no matter how intriguing, is not a game I enjoy playing anymore. I would give up 150 first dates or first kisses, just to have one that means something much deeper more than superficial attraction and interest.
I'm calling time out, okay? Give me a little break, time to catch my breath and convince myself I still want to play. And when I decide to play again, I'm playing by my rules, not anyone else's. And I'm not going to be easily caught. I'm not. No matter how much a part of me wants to be. Next round, I'm waiting for someone really, really good to catch me. And even then, he'd better show me he's in it for reals. Not for pretend. Because when I play, it's for reals, for keeps, and I sure do want this game to end.
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