mid-single crisis

I was shocked to learn last summer that my little brother had begun attending the singles ward. That is, I suppose, a normal thing for 18- year-old, high school graduates to do, but this was my little brother we're talking about—the one whose diapers I had changed and t-ball games I had watched. I mean, we've got three siblings in between us. It's realizations like that that somehow make me feel old.

I've been attending singles wards for eight years now. And as a 25-year-old girl, I've got to be careful. I just don't want to be visiting my home singles ward and accidentally flirt with a my little brother's friends who are years younger than me. Fortunately in the singles ward I attend on the east coast, the younger guys are scared away by the 150 or so college graduated women that are in ward. If some unknowing, fresh-off-the-mission elder somehow isn't warned that the ward isn't exactly like his freshman BYU ward, he's definitely only going to last a few weeks, breathing a sigh of relief when Christmas break is over and he can start up again at BYU.

Facebook also adds new opportunities for me to realize that girls I used to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for while babysitting, are now on the dating market. One of them, a college freshman, is engaged...complete with “Chris and Sara are tying the knot” group page. In my mind, she's still the 7-year-old that ran down the street barefoot. Weird.

At some point in every Mormon girl's life comes the realization that those cute elders you used to idolize as a little girl and crushed on in high school are really just boys. Yep, when the RM's remind you of your little brothers, you somehow feel like you've aged decades. Let me just clarify the incredible respect I have for the elders I served with on my mission. As fellow missionaries and leaders, their dedication and selflessness once again turned 19 & 20 year old boys into giants in my eyes. But take away the mantle, the suit, and put a 21-year-old boy back into college life, and they once again seem so much younger to me now than I ever though possible back when I was in Young Womens.

It's all perspective, I guess. I'm 25 for crying out loud; that's not really old, right? Yes, it does come before 26, which just doesn't sound like fresh out of college age, but to most women in the world, I'm not old. Take away the BYU bubble, the 18-year-old girls who get married in some crazy place called Rexburg, and the Utah culture, and I suddenly become a young, single, independent, 25-year-old woman who is still wrinkle, stretch mark, and commitment free. And for the heck of it, let's just all realize even if I did move back to Provo (which you would have to pay me A LOT of money to do), I'm not old, ok?!? Just cause my friends from high school days have three kids, doesn't mean I have to have three kids too. But can I hold their baby in Relief Society? ...because I'm secretly baby hungry and don't even have a man.

Does he have to be hot?

I had a roommate in college who started dating a guy from our high school who, like me, was more studious than popular, more quality than cute. So the fact that they ended up getting married created quite a stir among out friends from high school days who knew the popular, athletic types that she had dated in the past.

Later, she confided to me that she wasn't extremely attracted to her husband when they started dating. Judging from outward appearances, there were some who might have said she could do better. But this kind roommate of mine was willing to look beyond the outward appearance and give this guy a chance. After a few weeks did he started to grow on her and eventually became attractive to her. By the time they were engaged, you could tell they were both very happy and in love.

My first boyfriend was a kind, intelligent guy. At time, however, he didn't fit into my “ideal” physical type. We dated for a few weeks, eventually got around to some cuddling, and then had our first kiss. The first time he kissed me I wasn't too impressed. It didn't help that I had no previous kissing experience. Being the immature, somewhat self-centered 20 year old that I was, I didn't give him a second chance, chalking it up to the physical chemistry just not being there.

The more dating experience I get, the more I regret that decision. Yeah, at 20 I wasn't ready for a serious relationship nor prepared for marriage, but I missed out on a chance to get to really get to know a great guy who cared about me.

Well, four year later, I had learned enough to not judge kissing abilities by the first kiss. Another guy came along, as well as another disappointing first kiss. But there was a second chance, and by third time there weren't any problems. The attraction I thought might not be there just needed to be given time to develop. Too bad other issues kept our relationship from working out.

So now, back to single again, I wonder if I've finally got things straightened out. I want to be madly in love with the man I marry, a feeling I hope will be mutual. But the questions remains: Does that include madly in love with the way he looks, the color of his hair, or his athletic build? Or do I look past physical appearances and allow myself to fall in love with someone different than the “tall, dark, and handsome” image I've always had my head. Will the way I feel about him somehow change the way he looks to me? Worse yet, what if it doesn't and I end up with regrets.

If everything else about a guy is great, and I enjoying being close to him, isn't the superficiality of outward appearance unimportant? If so, how come I still notice a cute guy from five rows away at church, while ignoring all the other guys in between us. I'm rather convinced this must be a contributing factor to my dating dissatisfaction. Attractiveness is naturally a part of what we look for in mate, but it sure would make dating easier if we were just all average...or blind.