Think happy

This blog is desperately in need of some positive vibes... so here's a few (take them while they last... you never can be sure how long that will be):

• For the last month or so I've been spending a lot of time with someone (who happens to be rather good looking) who can fulfill my need for quality time... and lots of it. It's heavenly.
• Thank goodness that there really are normal people to meet on dating websites.
• I read the book Attached and it completely changed my outlook on dating and relationships. You're telling me I don't have to play "hard to get" anymore (because it's not going to get me anywhere) ?! Yes, please!
•  A few summer evenings in the hammock have sufficiently cured me of cursing whomever made me crave warmth and cuddling so much.
• While I'm sad summer is nearly gone (last night I was colder than I've been in a long time)....I'm excited for the prospect of fall festivities and a handsome gentleman to share them with (think pumpkin carving, hot chocolate, corn mazes, costumes)
• I feel like I have better handle on my emotions and anxious feelings than I have in a long time. Of course, having a low drama relationship helps that immensely.
• I'm content (in general, give or take a few days when I feel behind/inadequate/overwhelmed because of grad school). Lots of blessings in my life these days.

weary heart

Loneliness and disappointment are the emotions that most frequently and painfully burden my soul.

Sometimes I allow myself to hope, really hope, that a relationship will work out. But that hope comes at such a price. Such hope, truly felt, always results in sorrow. And time after time, unfulfilled hope deepens a unreturned text or call or failed relationships into a much more potent rejection and disappointment.

And yet I feel called upon, almost required, to hope. To not give up. To trust. To wait. To believe. Logically that is the only option left to one who desires to one day be truly happy and loved. But, oh, what a toll such a cycle of hope and disappointment demands from my heart.

As a single woman, I can be okay with supporting myself, establishing my own life, and living my own plan B. I can feel that plan includes a life of meaning and potential. But I can never, in my singleness, escape the loneliness, the ache from the deepest corners of my heart, that comes as I fall asleep by myself each night.

"And because of our selfishness, we will be condemned to the worst torture humankind ever invented for itself: loneliness" Paulo Coehlo

At times, this search for that right “one” feels like small form of torture. And I wonder why I allow myself to invest my weary heart in guy after guy after guy.... strangers, really, who for varied periods of time somehow appear as if they might actually be worth all the hoping... until days or week or months later it becomes all too apparent that they aren't.

You'd think I would learn. But those moments, those small moments where I don't feel alone... the goodnight hug, the long conversation, the quiet companionship of a few brief hours... string me along from friday night to friday night still hoping.

unfair

Some people just fall into marriage, while others of us have to work for it. It's unfair. But we can keep working at it until it happens.
-quote from high councilor at church today (who apparently got married when he and his wife were both 28)


This idea resonated with me today. My brother is getting married on friday. He's so in love. She's so in love. They're extremely happy and young and in love. So I'm happy for him. Plus she's a nice girl and will put up with him. It's really good for them. Still part of me is a little (some undefined emotion) at the fact that it all happened so easily and quickly for them (My little brother has had like 1 or 2 girlfriends in his whole life, and little taste of what it feels like to get your heart good and broken, though maybe more of that than I'm aware.) Well, the high councilor today put that "undefined emotion" into words. It seems unfair. Well, today that's just fine with me. It's unfair. Life's unfair. I have to work harder than they did to find a eternal love. Let's just establish that fact and then move on. Cause that's just how it is, how it's supposed to be, and what the plan is. I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with that. I'm happy with it ... and sincerely happy for them. Thanks high councilor guy.

enduring

I don't want to write a negative post about dating because, for the last several months, that's about all I've found to write about. I won't write about how I can relate to all the songs that talk about relationships that didn't work out much better than any of the sappy ones about how love is beautiful and forever (which sometimes make me turn the station and sometimes make me cry). I won't write about why often I feel like I have good reason to be frustrated at dating, boys, relationships, including that it's all just plain unfair. I won't write about how I try to avoid happy, in-love people who I don't think really understand why being single and dating for years on end is really, really hard. I won't write about how dating feels a bit like torture at times, but I can't avoid it...

I will say that I'm over it. I don't want to kiss any more boys or have any more awkward first dates. I'm over getting my hopes up. I'm over not having my expectations met again, and again, and again, no matter how low I try to keep them. I'm over it, but don't won't to be single one minute longer than I have to be--horrible combination of emotions if you ask me.

This week the thing that's gotten me over being depressed about the whole situation is accepting that God requires me to be patient...again...indefinitely... always. It's necessary, you see, in His eyes, that I learn to endure delay, trouble, opposition and suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious. Only when I'm willing to just bear it, to just endure, instead of focusing on how it's unfair and difficult am I going to be at peace. And somehow, when God reminds me of that* and I'm willing to listen with a softened heart, the burden is lighter. It really is.

When that happens, it somehow becomes okay that my heart has wrapped itself around a one year old baby that doesn't even belong to me. Somehow it becomes okay that I'm alone on a friday night... and almost every other night. Somehow it becomes okay that timing and distance limit possibilities I'd like to see develop... because I trust that there is reason, as there has been every other time before. And trust and that peace is born of patience, which comes of faith and hope. Which is infinitely better than discouragement and frustration. Lesson learned, once again.


*Preach My Gospel, Alma, and Mosiah can be credited writing some of the words that God has used lately to remind me of these truths.