enduring

I don't want to write a negative post about dating because, for the last several months, that's about all I've found to write about. I won't write about how I can relate to all the songs that talk about relationships that didn't work out much better than any of the sappy ones about how love is beautiful and forever (which sometimes make me turn the station and sometimes make me cry). I won't write about why often I feel like I have good reason to be frustrated at dating, boys, relationships, including that it's all just plain unfair. I won't write about how I try to avoid happy, in-love people who I don't think really understand why being single and dating for years on end is really, really hard. I won't write about how dating feels a bit like torture at times, but I can't avoid it...

I will say that I'm over it. I don't want to kiss any more boys or have any more awkward first dates. I'm over getting my hopes up. I'm over not having my expectations met again, and again, and again, no matter how low I try to keep them. I'm over it, but don't won't to be single one minute longer than I have to be--horrible combination of emotions if you ask me.

This week the thing that's gotten me over being depressed about the whole situation is accepting that God requires me to be patient...again...indefinitely... always. It's necessary, you see, in His eyes, that I learn to endure delay, trouble, opposition and suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious. Only when I'm willing to just bear it, to just endure, instead of focusing on how it's unfair and difficult am I going to be at peace. And somehow, when God reminds me of that* and I'm willing to listen with a softened heart, the burden is lighter. It really is.

When that happens, it somehow becomes okay that my heart has wrapped itself around a one year old baby that doesn't even belong to me. Somehow it becomes okay that I'm alone on a friday night... and almost every other night. Somehow it becomes okay that timing and distance limit possibilities I'd like to see develop... because I trust that there is reason, as there has been every other time before. And trust and that peace is born of patience, which comes of faith and hope. Which is infinitely better than discouragement and frustration. Lesson learned, once again.


*Preach My Gospel, Alma, and Mosiah can be credited writing some of the words that God has used lately to remind me of these truths.