leave me changed.

As a human being, I don't suppose I have any individuality. I'm the people I've met, I'm a mixture of everything I've read and seen. I've stolen a virtue here, and a weakness there. I'm everyone I ever loved. -The Hasty Heart.

In an average day, various people I've loved in the past, but haven't spoken to in years, cross my mind. Usually it's just something that reminds of them briefly...
...someone that looks just enough like him, to remind me of that night...
...passing somewhere I made a beautiful memory with another
...or the lingering guilt that is oddly reminiscent of the first time I broke another's heart...
...and for no reason at all, I'll be reminded of a first kiss, or a last one.

It's realizing the confidence that is a part of me today because of one,
the hope that is somewhere residing in me for great happiness because of another.
It's how I can catch of frisbee because of how I wanted to impress him
or how Pride and Prejudice is slightly more amusing because of him.

The other day my heart hurt briefly to an intensity it hadn't for over a year. It was strange reminder of how much that depressing heart ache can deeply wound. And a more pleasant realization that I've had months and months of relatively depression free existence. Yes, there's been tears, plenty of them. But I'm strong enough to recover quickly and to know to not be held captive by emotions, even deep, painful ones.

My attempt to be more grateful has become more of a semi-monthly remembering to write down what I'm most grateful for. The task proves, overwhelmingly, that I am most affected by the presence of friendship in my life. There have been so many who have come and gone, yet they are all a part of me. The sticky notes she left for me, the nights when my roommates were kind enough to come eat ice cream with me while I pouted, the kind smile of faithful companion, the evening when two sister missionaries sat in the dark on the side of the road and shared the frustrations in their hearts that would bind them together.

They change me, every one of them. They become a part of more than just my memories, but my heart. And then they go. Some stay for longer than others. Some still care a few years later. But inevitably, the currents of the rivers of our lives bring us together and then apart in as our speed varies and our paths diverge. But they leave me changed. And they will always be a part of me.

I hope that somewhere along their paths, something reminds them of me. And that a few, at least, I have changed for the better.

There are few rare friendships that have blessed my life for many years now. The consistency of their willingness to blend their paths with mine with forever be a blessing

And then of course, there's the hope that with enough patience, my heart will one day be bound forever to someone who will change me, immensely, for the good. Even then, though, they will all be a part of me.