Intimacy in Communication

The time I can remember feeling closest to my first serious boyfriend was when he told me how deeply I had hurt him by a decision I had made. It obviously wasn't the bad decision that brought us closer together, but his willingness to share and discuss his feelings, something that had been difficult for him in past relationships.

One of the times I can remember being extremely angry (a very rare thing for me) was when a boyfriend of mine was so frustrated with me complaining, that he stopped me in a mid sentence conversation with a friend to tell me to stop talking.

Some of the times I have been most open and honest with another was through emails that I have sent. At times, I have felt so validated by a kind, thoughtful reply, but other times have felt disappointed and brokenhearted because that person chose not to reply.

For these reasons and more I agree with the statement I read in Amy Dickinson's column the other day: Communicating is the most intimate act couples can share.

I found it very interesting to look up the definition of intimacy on dictionary.com:
1. associated in close personal relations: an intimate friend.
2. characterized by or involving warm friendship or a personally close or familiar association or feeling: an intimate greeting.
3. very private; closely personal: one's intimate affairs.
4. characterized by or suggesting privacy or intimacy; warmly cozy: an intimate little café.
5. of an association, knowledge, understanding, etc.) arising from close personal connection or familiar
experience.
6. engaged in or characterized by sexual relations.
7. (of clothing) worn next to the skin, under street or outer garments: intimate apparel.
8. detailed; deep: a more intimate analysis.
9. showing a close union or combination of particles or elements: an intimate mixture.
10. inmost; deep within.
11. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of the inmost or essential nature; intrinsic: the intimate structure of an organism.
12. of, pertaining to, or existing in the inmost depths of the mind: intimate beliefs.

Looking at communication through these lenses, it's easy to understand why the act of communicating love is so significant. Sharing the most private thoughts of the heart leads to a union and connection found in no other way.

Two people willing to open their hearts and minds to each other through their words form a bond that means much more than any casual relationship where true thoughts and feelings are left unshared.
This aspect of intimacy is also why a lack of openness and communication can place so many barriers in a relationship so quickly.

I've felt previous relationships fall apart in various ways in part because of a lack of communication. While I've learned my own weakness and need for patience and understanding when a boyfriend doesn't return a call or text message, I also refuse to believe that a partner not making time for these acts of communication is carrying his end of the relationship fairly.

Effort, or a lack of effort, in communication--whether on a daily, casual basis or whether working to share and understand each other's dreams, fears, hurts, and triumphs--is a reflection of one's willingness to be committed and intimate in someone else's life.

A missed call, not replying to a text message or email, or a period of time when circumstances don't allow for communication should not undermine a relationship. But the point at which one partner is no longer investing time and effort in maintaining open communication is the point at which something needs to change or the relationship be ended.

Friendship and love are built upon and sustained by communication, trusting another with the inner self. This is never insignificant. We are all driven by our need for these kind of deep, intimate relationships. It is, thus, essential that when someone else opens their heart by intimately communicating with us that we take note. We must recognize the deep trust they are placing in us and treat this act as the precious gift that it is.